vernacular.

(04.05.2023, 20.15. All five are sitting at the table upstairs @ the Greenbridge Space. Bottles of MAMOS and small cans of ΑΛΦΑ abound. FULL and HARD are working on their laptops. TALL is solving a rubik's cube. Dead can Dance’s “The Serpent’s Egg” is playing from the laptop on the ground floor.)


LITTLE JOY:
Boys. We have been invited to contribute a piece to a friend’s journal, which is going online in June 2023.

HARD:
OK. What’s the theme of the journal?

LITTLE JOY:
Let me just read it aloud: “Vernacular” is the local and the vulgar - food, music, buildings, patterns of speech, flora, fauna, etc. Something regional that serves as a means of reaffirming or establishing identity. Familiar forms in an informal city.

TALL:
I quite like the vulgar part. I think I could come up with many ideas on this. First thing that comes to mind is porn. Let’s do some porn! What does vulgar mean to the rest of you?

BEST:
Profanity. Dirty words, swearing. Come to think of it, language can be vulgar in many different contexts without swearing at all. Perhaps we could do something related to language?


FULL:
Money. The most vulgar of all. No other tool can transform a meaningful relationship to a cheap business transaction more effectively than money.

LITTLE JOY:
(smiles) Interesting take. Money is a good candidate, dear FULL, but I’d argue that the dose makes the poison. A little bit of money is not vulgar; it’s the excess that makes it vulgar. We could do a play on the theme of “excess”, as it is the most easily recognisable and disgusting sign of our times.

(closes her eyes). It could be something like this: several people at the Greenbridge Space, talking loudly about random things, bragging about their lives, their belongings and the cool things they have done. There must be large food buffets crammed with food; and people are eating constantly, gluttony reigns supreme as if there’s no tomorrow. There is soulless music playing, written by professionals in a way that the music is barely noticeable and inoffensive, but loud enough to cover all their discussions and the vulgar emptiness that is present in the room.

The audience is scattered around the space, observing the action, some of them grimacing in disgust, while the actors completely ignore them. At one point, perhaps when a certain word is said by someone, the action freezes and the actors linger, completely silent and still.

This would be a good way to paint a vivid picture of excess.

(opens her eyes) But I think I digress 🙂


FULL:
I loved it! Shall we go for this? It’s a great candidate.


LITTLE JOY:
We could. But let’s continue the brainstorming. Perhaps we can come up with an idea that’s more fun to perform. The “excess” theme may be a little joyless, and potentially exhausting.


HARD:
Friends, you have all focused on the “vulgar” but not on the “local”. How about a different take. How about we write a play that focuses on what is considered vulgar in the local community. Here in Trikala. And this will be how we capture the local AND the vulgar!


TALL:
Nice try hacker, but I am pretty sure this is not what Ashley had in mind when she invited us to submit to her journal.


FULL:
I am pretty sure she would like an offbeat submission like that. For those of you who haven’t read it, here is her only caveat, from the submissions page: “I don’t want this to feel like a travel journal. It needs to be weirder and more immediate. That isn’t to say it can’t be something you discovered while traveling, but I hope to avoid the ‘What I did on my summer vacation’ kind of vibe.”


BEST:

I like HARD’S idea. Brainstorming session, round II: what is considered vulgar in Trikala? First thing that comes to mind is being openly gay. The locals wouldn’t admit it if you asked them; they would say “oh, of course, we are very open to people choosing their own sexual orientation”. But if you look around you will see precisely zero openly gay people, or couples.

What do the rest of you think?


TALL:
Nice one, BEST! Another option is blasphemy, atheism, lack of respect for Christianity. Trikala is a very conservative place. Anything that provokes the locals’ religious sentiment is considered vulgar. Just try wearing a DEICIDE t-shirt to church and see for yourself. The old ladies will perform an exorcism on you. You’ll probably end up in the local news.

(walks downstairs)

Who wants a beer from the fridge? Beer?


HARD:
I’ll have one.


FULL:
Me too.


BEST:
Yeah.


LITTLE JOY:
Wine, please.


FULL:
I’m not sure if vulgar is the right word here, but veganism annoys the hell out of the locals.


HARD:
I think we are getting somewhere. How about we synthesize all these things that locals find vulgar into one act. A day in the life of a gay, atheist, vegan couple in Trikala. The play will be performed at the Greenbridge space, will be fully improvisational and potentially x-rated.

There wouldn’t need to be anything too special about a day in these peoples’ lives; their routine alone would be offensive to a local audience. They would just need to have conversations about their relationship, thoughts and feelings, crack some blasphemous jokes about this Jesus dude and his mum, cook something together, walk around in their underwear, kiss. Just a casual day.

We could use the idea LITTLE JOY mentioned in her “excess” play script before, about the actors ignoring the audience. The audience would be welcome to walk into the play any time they liked and they would find themselves amidst the action.

There may be some sort of ritual if someone in the audience disturbs the actors - perhaps something similar to the “freeze” reaction LITTLE JOY mentioned before.


BEST:
Lovely stuff. How about this plot twist: rather than cracking blasphemous jokes about christianity, how about this gay couple were  priests themselves?? With black robes, beards and all.


LITTLE JOY:
LOL. Gay atheist vegan priests?


BEST:
Damn right! Definitely gay and vegan, but perhaps agnostic rather than atheist? Just have them start heated conversations, in the style of Ingmar Bergman’s “Winter Light”.


LITTLE JOY:
I am loving it already.


FULL:
How about we make them polyamorists, too?



TALL:
LOL. I think that’s pushing it.


LITTLE JOY:
Just one last thing. The submissions document said that the posts should not be insane in length. 1500-2000 words is the recommendation. We are missing a few words.


FULL
How about we pad it with silence?


TALL:
Sounds good.


...and it’s cooked.


FULL:
On va au rectum!

(all laughing)


[THE END]