Twenty-Eight Horrible Haiku on the Architectural, Climatological, and Cultural Vernacular of Calgary, Alberta


Nathan Coles



Indigenous names
For our roads: that should make up
For the genocide.


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All cities have bad
Drivers. Why do ours always
Drive F150s?


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Wind whips West across
The grassy Foothills. Where did
I put my lip balm?


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Horse shit, street cleaner,
Jazz band, horse shit, street cleaner…
The Stampede Parade!


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Inglewood once had
Hookers and crack; now it has
Hipsters and basil.


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A C-train rider
Isn’t moving… but is he
Sleepy, high, or dead?


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The Sentry Box is
The biggest store in the world
Selling games to nerds.


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Most bike paths on the
Continent, but we still need
Cars to get around.


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Rain only in June
Hot sun for only two months
Easy to tell time.


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The architecture
Of downtown’s office buildings
Tells when were oil booms.


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We killed all the rats
In 1950 but kept
The conservatives.


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All summer, at noon,
Office tow’rs empty: they
Line up at food trucks.


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What do magpies eat
In the wild? Why don’t they starve
Without fast food trash?


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Free pancake breakfasts
Each day. Socialism? No,
It’s just the Stampede.


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Tegan & Sara
Make our hometown seem so much
Cooler than it is.


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It’s lonely being
The one guy in the city
Who isn’t speeding.


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The McDonald’s next
To the C-train downtown is
Where strange things happen.


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Vote for lunatics
Because they bash Ottawa!
Is it working yet?


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Drive to the mountains!
Relax and get away… with
Ten thousand others.


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Wrong climate for lawns
So they’re yellow all year round
Unless overwatered.


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See summer tubing
Along the Bow river, right
Through the downtown core.


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“Calgary Stampede”
Should be the name for Chinook
Mall on Boxing Day.


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Brandy. Comfy chairs.
Rich pricks shmooze oil barons: “The
Petroleum Club.”


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Drive to the mountains
And see Banff: the town whose name
Is a sound effect.


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If you don’t like the
Weather in Calgary, just
Wait a few minutes!


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Other cities have
Donairs; we have ginger beef.
We invented it!


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Inside Danielle Smith’s
Head is just writhing maggots
And voices screaming.


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We built a ring road!
At least we paid the Natives
For the land this time.