Twenty-Eight Horrible Haiku on the Architectural, Climatological, and Cultural Vernacular of Calgary, Alberta
Nathan Coles
Indigenous
names
For our roads: that should make up
For the genocide.
🌱
All cities have bad
Drivers. Why do ours always
Drive F150s?
🌱
Wind whips West across
The grassy Foothills. Where did
I put my lip balm?
🌱
Horse shit, street cleaner,
Jazz band, horse shit, street cleaner…
The Stampede Parade!
🌱
Inglewood once had
Hookers and crack; now it has
Hipsters and basil.
🌱
A C-train rider
Isn’t moving… but is he
Sleepy, high, or dead?
🌱
The Sentry Box is
The biggest store in the world
Selling games to nerds.
🌱
Most bike paths on the
Continent, but we still need
Cars to get around.
🌱
Rain only in June
Hot sun for only two months
Easy to tell time.
🌱
The architecture
Of downtown’s office buildings
Tells when were oil booms.
🌱
We killed all the rats
In 1950 but kept
The conservatives.
🌱
All summer, at noon,
Office tow’rs empty: they
Line up at food trucks.
🌱
What do magpies eat
In the wild? Why don’t they starve
Without fast food trash?
🌱
Free pancake breakfasts
Each day. Socialism? No,
It’s just the Stampede.
🌱
Tegan & Sara
Make our hometown seem so much
Cooler than it is.
🌱
For our roads: that should make up
For the genocide.
🌱
All cities have bad
Drivers. Why do ours always
Drive F150s?
🌱
Wind whips West across
The grassy Foothills. Where did
I put my lip balm?
🌱
Horse shit, street cleaner,
Jazz band, horse shit, street cleaner…
The Stampede Parade!
🌱
Inglewood once had
Hookers and crack; now it has
Hipsters and basil.
🌱
A C-train rider
Isn’t moving… but is he
Sleepy, high, or dead?
🌱
The Sentry Box is
The biggest store in the world
Selling games to nerds.
🌱
Most bike paths on the
Continent, but we still need
Cars to get around.
🌱
Rain only in June
Hot sun for only two months
Easy to tell time.
🌱
The architecture
Of downtown’s office buildings
Tells when were oil booms.
🌱
We killed all the rats
In 1950 but kept
The conservatives.
🌱
All summer, at noon,
Office tow’rs empty: they
Line up at food trucks.
🌱
What do magpies eat
In the wild? Why don’t they starve
Without fast food trash?
🌱
Free pancake breakfasts
Each day. Socialism? No,
It’s just the Stampede.
🌱
Tegan & Sara
Make our hometown seem so much
Cooler than it is.
🌱
It’s
lonely being
The one guy in the city
Who isn’t speeding.
🌱
The McDonald’s next
To the C-train downtown is
Where strange things happen.
🌱
Vote for lunatics
Because they bash Ottawa!
Is it working yet?
🌱
Drive to the mountains!
Relax and get away… with
Ten thousand others.
🌱
Wrong climate for lawns
So they’re yellow all year round
Unless overwatered.
🌱
See summer tubing
Along the Bow river, right
Through the downtown core.
🌱
“Calgary Stampede”
Should be the name for Chinook
Mall on Boxing Day.
🌱
Brandy. Comfy chairs.
Rich pricks shmooze oil barons: “The
Petroleum Club.”
🌱
Drive to the mountains
And see Banff: the town whose name
Is a sound effect.
🌱
If you don’t like the
Weather in Calgary, just
Wait a few minutes!
🌱
Other cities have
Donairs; we have ginger beef.
We invented it!
🌱
Inside Danielle Smith’s
Head is just writhing maggots
And voices screaming.
🌱
We built a ring road!
At least we paid the Natives
For the land this time.
![]()
The one guy in the city
Who isn’t speeding.
🌱
The McDonald’s next
To the C-train downtown is
Where strange things happen.
🌱
Vote for lunatics
Because they bash Ottawa!
Is it working yet?
🌱
Drive to the mountains!
Relax and get away… with
Ten thousand others.
🌱
Wrong climate for lawns
So they’re yellow all year round
Unless overwatered.
🌱
See summer tubing
Along the Bow river, right
Through the downtown core.
🌱
“Calgary Stampede”
Should be the name for Chinook
Mall on Boxing Day.
🌱
Brandy. Comfy chairs.
Rich pricks shmooze oil barons: “The
Petroleum Club.”
🌱
Drive to the mountains
And see Banff: the town whose name
Is a sound effect.
🌱
If you don’t like the
Weather in Calgary, just
Wait a few minutes!
🌱
Other cities have
Donairs; we have ginger beef.
We invented it!
🌱
Inside Danielle Smith’s
Head is just writhing maggots
And voices screaming.
🌱
We built a ring road!
At least we paid the Natives
For the land this time.
