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The Freedom Convoy: Forever Part of Ottawa’s Vernacular


David Segaert

Freedom is described as “the power or right to act, speak or think as one wants.”  The word convoy is described as “a group of ships or vehicles travelling together, typically accompanied by armed troops, warships, or other vehicles for protection.” So according to the dictionary at least, the now infamous “Freedom Convoy” did a great job choosing an appropriate moniker for what unfolded in Ottawa and across the country in January of 2022. A group of quasi-militant but fun-loving “activists” arriving and protecting themselves by vehicle; all the while acting, speaking and thinking whatever the hell they wanted for over 3 weeks. It will surely go down as one of the greatest achievements in the history of white trash, and also as the ultimate spectacle of government stupefaction, forever synonymous with the city of Ottawa and cemented into our vernacular.

For those who missed it, allow me to briefly recap the festivities: A group of Albertans who had taken an interest in all of the things that suck about the USA, organized a vacation to Ottawa that they apparently hoped would last forever, picking up stragglers along the way and eventually pumping up enough locals and Quebecers that the whole affair turned into a 3-week multi-vehicle slumber party in the middle of the downtown core during the coldest month of the year.  They blocked off the streets, honked their horns, bullied elderly nuns and local kindergarten students, ate roasted pig, drank mead, and had dance parties near the stage that they were not permitted to erect, but were permitted to erect.  The local constabulary joined in the festivities instead of enforcing the law, politicians gave very stern warnings, local residents appealed to lawyers for help, and the whole thing eventually culminated in a glorious climax: a small, disease-ridden hot-tub in the middle of Wellington Street.

The reasons for the convoy are slightly murkier, and vary depending on which of the 30 convoy leaders or their $6 lawyers you talked to on any given day.  Scholars have posited that the origin of the protest may have been about Covid19 lockdown restrictions, more specifically the fact that truck drivers needed to be vaccinated to cross borders.  However, convoy leaders used the momentum and early success of the blitzkrieg to change their platform into a peaceful overthrow of Justin Trudeau’s Liberal government.  The plan was to ask him nicely if he would retire, based on poor overall performance and his inability to use human words when describing how his family had reduced their use of bottled water.  Two hours later, when it became clear that Trudeau was uninterested in this proposal, it was decided that the convoys ultimate mandate was to draw attention to Canada’s staggering lack of rights and freedoms for white men with beards. But even convoy leaders seemed unsure how to weave the underlying agendas of neo-Nazis and American militia groups into the delicate fabric of the peaceful demonstration. 

Speaking of the leaders, it was certainly a colorful group of heros.  Tamara Leich, who became the de-facto boss and face of the convoy because she was the only one with almost a full set of teeth, was almost God-like in her ability to impress the masses with her knowledge of the American Constitution. Chris Barber, who looks like the owner of a struggling electronics warehouse, was also there for whatever reason. There was Danny Bulford, the former Mountie who was anointed as the convoy’s Chief of Security, which is the most prestigious position in all of law enforcement.  There was also another guy, Pat King, who relaxes on a Saturday by cranking baby squirrels through a meat grinder, and who’s a real whiz at getting the mob all fired up with his famous live streams.  Sometimes the videos are about his beloved collection of pocket knives, sometimes he just talks about what it’s like to be a miserable piece of shit, and sometimes they are videos of him being arrested by law enforcement. Which is no big deal to him because he doesn’t even recognize their authority anyway.  There were other leaders as well, but I have forgotten their names despite their numerous and impressive achievements.

And I think it’s important to list some of those achievements. Primarily the fact that the convoy protest united the entire country in hatred of the Prime Minister, whose performance throughout was so embarrassing that even his most staunch supporters were left wondering who wrote his script on certain days.  There was the free snow clearing that protesters were providing on Wellington and other downtown streets which probably saved the city hundreds of dollars.  There were also free fireworks displays on weekends, which some lucky downtown residents were able to witness just a few feet from their apartment windows.  And we must not forget the important facts about Covid19 that convoy scientists provided the public, which proved 100% that their perspective was correct.

However, it wasn’t all party-time and good news.  There were a couple of small drawbacks to the convoy. 

  • A primary issue was that it blocked people’s view of the scaffolding that covers 80% of Parliament Hill.  By the way don’t worry about the scaffolding, construction will be complete in the year 2065 at a cost of only $412 trillion dollars.

  • One of the protesters’ main tools in fighting for freedom was the ability to harness their inner 5 year-old and honk truck horns.  One of the unintended and impossible-to-predict consequences of this was that most human beings who aren’t strung out on heroin are unable to sleep with truck horns blaring for 24 hours a day.

  • There were also a number of businesses, most notably the Rideau Centre shopping mall, that were closed for weeks because some of the more unsavory protesters were being rude.  The government wasn’t concerned about low-wage employees that weren’t able to work during this time, but did find it troubling that rich people were unable to access Harry Rosen and Swarovski so soon after Christmas.

  • There was also the cost that the city of Ottawa incurred to police and manage the protest.  Nobody will ever know the real cost, but experts agree that it was well above the cost savings of the free snow clearing.

  • Copycat protests then started to pop up at various border crossings, as the truck drivers who typically sit at home all day watching Jerry Springer were now sitting in their trucks all day blocking traffic. This prevented the truck drivers who actually work from doing their job. People with calculators have suggested that it disrupted approximately $345 thousand trillion dollars per day in cross-border trade.

But enough about that.  The most interesting part of the freedom convoy was how it highlighted the police and governments’ breathtaking inability to respond to a crisis.  In these next paragraphs I’ll summarize the performance of the police, the municipal government, and the federal government. I’d write something about the provincial government’s response as well but it would be difficult because they didn’t actually do anything.

Let’s be clear, the police are blameless here.  A lot of criticism was heaped upon then police chief Peter Sloly, but while defending himself he has proven there was nothing that could have been done. There was absolutely zero intelligence to be gleaned from social media.  There were no Twitter or Facebook accounts associated with convoy leaders that clearly stated their plan.  There was no way for police to use their authority to act while protesters around the city erected shanty-towns, supply camps, stages, firepits, liquor stores, day cares and water-parks.  And once this massive camp-site was set up, there was nothing more to be done except pay hundreds of officers vast sums of money to walk around all day and take selfies.

As time dragged the freedom convoy picked up steam, and the police heralded the protesters as having a highly complex and detailed logistics strategy.  Or maybe it was just some dudes driving pickups from one camp to another over and over again, or it could have just been some guys walking around with containers of gasoline.  Either way, the police were impotent in the face of such a cunning web of ingenuity.  At a certain point Chief Sloly proudly declared to everyone that there was “no policing solution.”  This revelation went a long way in bolstering the confidence of both the protesters and the mayor, who quickly brokered a deal which provided the convoy with additional places to park vehicles. 

The City of Ottawa didn’t fare much better in its response. Bylaw officers were unable to find any breach of the law if you permanently parked your rusted out shit-box in the absolute geographical centre of a major downtown roadway.  However, ordinary citizens continued to be ticketed for other egregious violations like returning to your vehicle a minute too late after paying $6/hour to park, or parking one millimetre too close to a community mailbox.

Meanwhile, previously unheralded federal political superstars like Marco Mendicino and Omar Alghabra took their rightful place at centre stage, becoming daily headliners in the news cycle, dazzling the public by repeating the same line 6-8 times per day while providing zero solutions other than telling the protesters that they should go home.  Shockingly this was not enough to convince the protesters to leave, so the federal government turned to Plan B, which was placing a prudent level of hope that a different level of government would do something. Unfortunately, the provincial government and municipal government had also implemented the exact same plan, which caused a game of political chicken filled with lots of tough-sounding talking and important-sounding meetings.  All the while, the police continued with their bold new strategy of not enforcing the law under any circumstance.

But just when it seemed like the freedom convoy was going to last forever, the federal government implemented the Emergencies Act, and suddenly someone realized that there actually was a policing solution, and the problem was solved by using police.  What unfolded next was a dazzling display of police supremacy, deploying everything from horses to armored tanks and nightsticks to machine guns. After giving the protesters approximately 4,135 warnings that they must leave, police eventually had to use a small amount of force to push people back.  Of course, the protesters cried of police brutality while using their children as human shields.  It was all over fairly quickly as the freedom convoy went out with nothing more than a whimper.

Perhaps the most amusing part of the whole ordeal was the phrase “hold the line.”  This phrase hadn’t been used in such abundance since World War II, and it became a rallying cry and the mantle upon which all the hopes and dreams of the protesters rested. Ultimately the words rang hollow, because once the police actually lifted a finger, the protesters weren’t able to hold the line even one single time.

Unfortunately for Ottawa, this whole shit-show is forever attached to its legacy.  The birthplace of what is now called a “Canadian-style protest.”  Sometimes if you walk the downtown streets you can still hear the faint and distant echo of a truck horn, or catch a glimpse of an un-showered drunk person yelling FREE-DOM!  Perhaps its only fitting for a city and a government that is this dysfunctional, this bloated, and this virtuous, to have reaped what they sowed. In a way I’m glad it happened. Were you not entertained?