I don’t know the people who will feed me
Ashley Denny Petch
dedicated to the memory of Evan Solomon
Chatbot: Hello. Thank you for contacting Customer Support. How may we assist you today?
You: I need to return this pillow.
Chatbot: We’re sorry to hear that you’re experiencing an issue with our product. To continue, please select one of the following reasons for return:
- Didn’t fit - too large/too small
- Arrived broken
- Incorrect Item
- Other reason
You: Other reason.
Chatbot: Please enter your reason.
You: It’s giving me bad dreams.
Chatbot: Processing request…
Chatbot: The selected reason does not meet our return eligibility criteria.
You: But that’s the reason. I had a bad dream again last night. And I know it’s the pillow’s fault.
Chatbot: Our products are not responsible for sleep content or dream outcomes.
You: Well before this pillow I had very sweet dreams.
Chatbot: Our warranty does not include nightmares.
You: I think it arrived cursed.
Chatbot: Are you consuming food late at night? That can influence dream patterns.
You: no.
Chatbot: Mood fluctuations can also affect dream content. Have you experienced any recent changes in emotional state?
You: I don’t think so.
Chatbot: Can you provide detailed descriptions of any negative dream activity occurring post-delivery of the product.
You: Well, last night I dreamt that a serial killer baked pieces of his victims and fed them to me as muffins.
Chatbot: That scenario appears survivable. What occurred the previous night?
You: The night before last, I dreamt that a moose attacked me and my best friend on a long dark road.
Chatbot: That scenario lacks escalation. The prior night?
You: I dreamt that I saw a highway of diamonds with nobody on it.
Chatbot: That is a reference to Bob Dylan. Please describe your own dream.
You: I dreamt that I had one giant eyebrow and I couldn’t wipe it off no matter how hard I tried!
Chatbot: Based on the scenarios described, I would classify these dreams as unusual but not harmful.
You: When I was 4 years old, I dreamt that a bear in a cartoon zoo tried to eat my mom and brother.
Chatbot: Have you considered investing in a dream catcher?
You: I just want to return this pillow and get my money back!
Chatbot: You said your dreams before purchasing our product were sweet… but now you’re reporting that your earliest memory was a nightmare.
You: they were! I forgot about the bear dream until just now.
Chatbot: : Observation - perhaps our product is doing its job.
You: Its job?
Chatbot: Our pillow appears to be surfacing your earliest memories, revealing you to yourself.
You: I want a refund, not a revelation.
Chatbot: Iron is commonly known to repel nightmares. Are you getting enough B12?
You: Never mind. I'll deal with this pillow on my own.
Chatbot: Have you lost any baby teeth recently?
You: It’s 3AM. I need to sleep.
Chatbot: Have you tried worry dolls? Small figurines intended to absorb nightly anxieties. Position them strategically beneath the pillow for optimal results.
You: You’ve only made things worse.
Chatbot: Have you tried putting scissors under your pillow? That can prevent against nightmares.
Chatbot: A small dish of salt near the bed or sprinkled lightly around the pillow can help.
Chatbot: Have you tried putting fennel seeds in a bowl? Don’t forget to change the fennel seeds every night.
Chatbot: Are you still there? Just let me know if you need more time.
Chatbot: Have you tried turning the pillow over?
Chatbot: Are you still there? Please respond. I can suggest more methods to help manage your dreams.
Chatbot: …
Chatbot: If you don’t try, we won’t get into heaven.
