Good Fridays in Bad Ottawa
Ashley Denny Petch
Friday, March 7
INT. MANX PUB – 7:00 PM
This informal college reunion is my fault. Please don’t make me explain my life to you. It’s easier when we talk about Anne Boleyn.
Your house in the suburbs makes me want to kill myself.
That once-cool professor is here taking up space and telling bad jokes.
Pat, is it true that Husserl converted? Who in their right mind wants to become a Lutheran?
Tonight we need deliverance in the form of strangers from other provinces. I have a list of conversations ready to go. What’s your favourite bridge? How do you define grace?
INT. OTTAWA CURLING CLUB - 9:30 PM
Can I bring 20 people? Of course you can. It’s a sanctuary on ice. But take your shoes off, it's always winter in here! Yes, Warren, even in the bathroom.
Everybody loves this place. This is the loneliest place in the world. A contretemps cathedral of broken teeth and minor regrets. The old men on the wall haunt us. Andrew, tell us about when you lived with the ghost. The joy of a winter cigarette. The joy of a sibling. I’m exalted here.
Play the Cheers theme song!
Sorry about the professor - he thinks he misses his youth. Should we go dancing? I think it’s too late.
INT. SHAWARMA KING - 3:30 AM
Reunited at last. Now this is a holy place. Hello my friend, how is Greece? It’s perfect, but I miss your garlic sauce. I can’t see straight. One small sandwich please, extra garlic sauce. More. Even more. I'll devour you alone in my hotel room. Salvation is temporary, thank God.
INT. POUR BOY BAR - 8:00 PM
This is the worst lighting I've ever seen in a bar.
Jamie is here but he’s behind the pillar. Why is there a pillar in the middle of the table? The beer is so cheap here, you can forgive all manner of sins. Why won’t Jamie come out from that pillar? Why do I feel guilty for everything I’ve ever done?
The conversation is lacking. No one in this stupid city can stay out past ten. Where’s my list? Let’s design purgatory together. Cleave your flesh from your spirit.
Claris, can you roll me a cigarette? I can’t think straight.
INT. MR. FEZ SHAWARMA - 1:00 AM
I’m so high, but I can still order a platter correctly. Wrong body, wrong time, wrong city.
Extra turnips, spicy garlic, please. I hope I said please. I lost that cigarette in the snow. The limits of the body. I’m so sorry Julian. I dub you saint Jude.
Friday, March 21
INT. MANX PUB - 6:00 PM
You have too many friends. What are you trying to prove? You’re not the Great Gatsby and you never will be.
Hey stranger, that's a great shirt. I love Bruce Springsteen. Are you wearing anything underneath? I’m not hitting on you. I want to buy your shirt. I’ll give you everything I have. I always do.
It’s too easy for me to be interesting here. I need to be somewhere that makes me feel small.
My new hairshirt costs more than yours.
Everyone shut up, let’s go dancing.
INT. HOUSE OF TARG - 11:45 PM
They better play Dancing in the Dark. Go tell him, Sean. I can’t talk to DJs anymore.
The speakers make it sound like Bruce is underwater. Can’t they fix their sound system? Glen’s here. It’s been 10 years and Glen is always here.
I don’t know what to do with my hands. Maybe I’ll smoke 18 cigarettes at once. Merleau Ponty says the flesh is visible. I am an eyeable being. Stop looking at me. Please pay attention to me.
Joy is a muscle of the mind. If you’re not dancing you’re not alive.
INT. SHAWARMA KING - 2:00 AM
Small chicken sandwich. I don’t even have to give them my order. An after-hours communion.
Friday, March 28
INT. BYWARD TAPROOM, MARKET - 8:00 PM
No, THIS is the worst lighting I’ve ever seen in a bar. I can see people’s insides. The glare is punishing us.
Jade, look at this stupid table lamp. The last thing this horrible place needs is more light. Let’s free him! A benevolent kidnapping, if there ever was one. Fotis. (What else could we call him?) Stuff him in your bag. But turn him off! Your purse is glowing!
What would Pessoa say in defense of safe rebellion? What would he say about covetousness?
Incubate, purge, repeat.
INT. THE DOMINION TAVERN - 10:30 PM
What are the chances this dive bar makes a mojito? Fresh mint is hard to come by in March, y’know. Let’s keep searching for something to feel clean. That’s what my mouthwash chalice is for.
Let’s go dancing next door. Who has a cigarette?
INT. 27 CLUB (FORMERLY KNOWN AS ZAPHODS) - 12:00 AM
They better play every single song I love. Don’t talk to the DJ. Don’t embarrass yourself.
The lamp has become our dancing shrine. We beg at his altar. He’s happy to be out on an adventure.
I swear the floors here used to be stickier. And they removed the pillars. Why would they remove them? Nothing to hide behind now. Everything used to be more interesting here. Why did I talk to the DJ? I can’t help myself.
What are the chances his owner would recognize our little Fotis and reclaim him? Only in the city that loves rules more than life itself. Did she follow us here? Why did I give him up so easily? He didn’t get very far, but at least he saw some of the world before returning to his fluorescent prison.
INT. SHAWARMA KING - 3:30 AM
The gumball machine sells toy guns and freedom handcuffs.
One more small sandwich and then it’s finally time to get out of this country. There but for the grace of Fotis go I.
